Why Can’t I Stop Doing the Thing that Hurts Me?
Not being able to stop doing something that has started to hurt or cause distress is no joking matter. It can cause people to lose faith in themselves and feel isolated. It’s a common reason people reach out to me as a therapist. So often, someone will sit in front of me completely at the end of their patience with themselves. Past the point of frustration, into
a deep spiral of shame and confusion at their own behaviour. It can be a dark and lonely place to be. If you are there, my heart goes out to you—and please know you are not alone.
At one time, you found something that soothed your pain—like medicine for a wound. Perhaps this was sugar, alcohol, scrolling on Instagram, or diving into the arms of a familiar lover. It brought relief and helped you survive. Maybe life became a little more bearable, you could handle a painful experience or difficult living condition. But taken for too long,
or in the wrong dose, that same medicine becomes toxic. What healed you in the past is now quietly harming you.
You start to sense that your once treasured medicine is now the very thing that is causing harm, yet for some reason, you can’t stop reaching for it.
While it hurts you, it’s familiar—it still gives a flicker of relief, at least for a little while. You get caught in an impossible cycle of needing it, having it, and hating yourself for it. It can feel like living in your own private hell.
Sometimes, the reason why you reached for the medicine is long gone. Other times, it lingers. But knowing why you needed it in the first place can help make sense of how you arrived here. It is so important to remember: you are not broken or faulty—you are simply trying to keep going. My therapist once said to me, *“nothing heals when doused with shame.”* I have come to believe she was right. Trying to shame ourselves out of our ways of coping often pushes us deeper into the poison than where we started.
Instead, what we might need is much lighter—to observe ourselves with curiosity and compassion.
This might sound like a tall ask if you’re caught in a cycle of self-hating shame—a very tall ask. But it is possible. With time, patience, setbacks, and trying again. With softening. With support. Here are a few things you might uncover or discover along the way:
- You release beliefs that no longer fit who you are now and what you need.
- You see that what once caused you to turn to the medicine is no longer a threat.
- Your body and mind begin craving a new way to live—one that brings satisfaction and fulfilment.
- You start to build a different relationship with yourself, rooted in trust and respect.
- You notice an unmet need in yourself and maybe even share it with someone close to you.
- You discover other medicine that isn’t poisonous: laughter, movement, love, sleep, orgasms, connection…
- You begin to hold yourself with the very love you were seeking from the poison in the first place.
If you are struggling with something like what I’ve described here, please know that while you are not alone, you are also uniquely you. That means your journey towards putting down your poison will be uniquely yours too.
Therapy can be a powerful place to begin that journey—to make sense of what’s happening, to loosen the grip of shame, and to gently discover new medicine that truly nourishes you.